.

When Caroline looks at her high-school photographs,  she is surprised to find how ordinary she looks.  Throughout all this time, she didn’t really know why she was cutting herself.   She kept her razor blades hidden in a small green metallic file box right behind her flash cards for Spanish 1.  She was cool, aloof, detached, removed about cutting.  She only cut where no one would see. No one was going to find out, because if they did, they would think she was crazy.   It was mystery.  It was an addiction.  It was RELIEF.  For her it had become a way of life. 

I’m not writing a book report here. I’d have a difficult time identifying the author’s main idea.  In this narrative,  Caroline begins cutting when she is in seventh grade and continues into her adulthood.   She’s really clear about why she did it for nearly twenty years.  It’s because it WORKED.  Cutting made her feel better when things went sour.  She could take back control  of her life by reaching for her green metallic file box.  I suppose cutting was part of the everyday fabric of her life, like running or bike riding might be for me. I also keep Spanish flashcards in a box.

I didn't notice until I finished the book, but the cover art includes a simulated "slash" of a razor across a young girl's stomach.  As I read through this memoir, I thought more of what was going on inside of Caroline that outside.   She's a thinker and a poser, and yes, she overdoes both.  Life is full of drama.  We all know people like that who blur the lines between life and performance, but the image of the slash jarred me from my reading.  If Caroline is mutilating herself in the bathroom when no one is witness, what is the performance in that?  That's not a phase. At one point in the book, Caroline paints us a picture of her standing alone in front of a bathroom mirror smearing her own blood across her face and chest. She says to the savage warrior she sees in the mirror, "This is me?  This can't be right."

No it's not right.  Caroline was very generous in sharing her daily rituals; her relationships with friends, family, and lovers. When surrounded by people who loved her, that's when she felt  most  alone. No one really knew the extent of her cutting, and if she showed them, they wouldn't have understood. In the end, Caroline was in her thirties when she sought out the professional help she needed. I hope some day, I can figure out an effective way to share excerpts of the book online for my students.  They should know my purpose as their English teacher will be bigger than the pages. My students should look at Caroline’s story to develop a greater understanding for whatever might be happening in their lives, or the lives of their friends and family members.  Carolina’s parents were educators and her friends were brilliant students, yet she was able to keep her emotions  hidden deep inside of her. In  a few of my classroom lessons, we talk about the stigma associated with mental illness.  People are afraid to come forward with their fears and confusions.  They don’t want to be judged.  They don’t want to hurt their families. People like Caroline are out there, but they don't have to suffer in the shadows. Reading this book just might give us the perspective to help.