Melina Angulo

Professor Lewenstein

English 1A

14 April 2016

Domestic Violence

   She raised her tear stricken face toward him. His fathomless, dead looking gaze bore a hole straight through her. His arm was still raised as he stood at the top of the stairs. He looked like the paused part of a horror movie scene. He yelled something but her ears were filled with the pounding of her heart. The lives inside her had gone painfully still and an ache started in her stomach. He was still thirsty for blood but the fear inside her was not for herself but for her unborn children. She remembered the little black and white forms from the ultrasound and feared that she would never be able to hold their tiny little hands. “Girls! Girls!” She had a flashback to the day she was told she was carrying two little girls. The doctor’s office with the smiling and congratulating doctor and his soft spoken nurse. His face was undecipherable the entire time. As I tell Lucy’s story I want you to keep an open mind and save all judgement until the end. Domestic violence is an issue we all have a strong opinion on. As it turns out looking through the eyes of a survivor and how everything started you will see how easy it is to become the victim of your own story and hopefully learn to break the chain. The way we raise our children has everything to do with how our childrens life’s wind up. You will see how a combination of society and family upbringing can lead to a life of rash choices and ultimately violence.

   Lucy was born in a small town of hardworking people of mainly Hispanic descent. In a family of five brothers she was the only woman and also the youngest. In matters of the world she had been shielded, never allowed beyond their sight. As it turns out her father was hardly home, would drink away the money, and was constantly cheating on her mother. Her mother had to struggle bringing food to the table and more often than not they would go hungry for days. With an absentminded father and mother who had to constantly work, Lucy’s brothers took their being in charge very seriously. She was never allowed to go anywhere alone and had to dress and behave modestly. From the very beginning Lucy dreamt of a perfect family, the American Dream: husband, good job, 2.5 kids, a dog, and a picket fence. As time went by and things at home got worse she held on tighter and tighter to her dream. At the young age of only 15 years old she thought she was closer to achieving her dream than ever when she met him. He wasn’t the best looking or tallest but he chose her. She had never felt this way before. He courted her for five years. He had his bad moments but she understood that he was older and dealing with her was sometimes hard because she did not know very much about the world. Some days were worse than others, but she knew that when they got married everything would be different, he would change. He would be loving, kind, and understanding of her all the time. Years went by and finally she was of age and her mother allowed her to get married. With her mother’s blessing also came a warning, marriage is very serious and you have made a promise before god, that you will always remain by his side.

   Lucy agreed to meet me for an interview to talk about her life. We got together after work and sat outside on a picnic table and I asked her to tell me her story from the beginning. She started by saying that she never got to experience a childhood. As far back as she could remember her mother was always miserable. Her father would come home when he felt like and if he did not find a floozy to spend his money on that day he just might bring home something for them to live off of. She said her mother never hid anything from them. Her and her brothers were always aware of the trouble her father caused. Her mother would answer honestly if they had any questions about their father’s whereabouts. She would always follow it with, “No matter what he does, he is your father and nothing can change that.” As they grew up and her father faded from their existence her brothers filled the role of father. They would take jobs when needed and kept their little and only sister in check. She was allowed to talk to no one of the opposite sex. As I sat listening to her story I find myself feeling angry at why she does not get to make a choice. Everyone treating her like a child and not allowing her to make any decisions or learn from her errors. She was prohibited from talking to anyone and having a boyfriend was out of the question. Anyone who tried to break their rules wound up with a bloody face and luckily only a broken nose and wounded pride. That is when he came in to the picture.

   He was not especially good looking, but he was interested in her. He would call her at home and ultimately get her in trouble. As their forbidden romance met obstacle after obstacle thrown by her brothers, they surpassed them. His brand new car received a makeover consisting of four knifed tires and broken windshields. Even through all that opposition he kept at it. Her brothers never liked him. To all of them he was inferior and was not good enough to even look at their sister. Through all this she looked at him with star struck eyes. He was hers. Something she did not have to share and that potentially brought her closer to her dream family. As years went by and her brothers married off one by one they were no longer able to keep her under their thumb. The day came when her mother finally agreed to her marriage with the reminder that that ring meant forever.

   The first days of her marriage were a blur. Marriage was a lot harder than she thought, she was to cook, clean, and care for him. Days went by and the little love gestures he used to show her vanished like snow on hot pavement, without a trace. I could see it clear as day as she spoke the desperation to fix something that only keep crumbling attempt after attempt. It started with a shove here and there and escalated until he knocked her down. He helped her up and told her that she frustrated him and that once she learned he would not need to be so rough. Time went by and he started acting different, a lot different. He would come home at all times of the night. If he was in the mood he would even force himself on her. To avoid fights and knowing she would not win she would stop fighting and wait until it was over. I thought to myself how being raised in her family, the phrase you make the bed you lie in took on a new meaning. In the eyes of her family she chose this life and that meant sticking by it no matter what. Her mother even suggested she try harder at pleasing him!

   Violence in adults and child neglect have long been studied. In a research article done back in 2007 by several psychologists the proof is in the numbers. Children that were known to come from troublesome and unhealthy family dynamics were kept track of. Although there are many other factors involved in the occurrence of domestic violence as adults, the number of children that wound up in abusive relationships as adult was very high. It took years to gather this research. Do we have the luxury of time? Having seen these results it is clear we cannot let this continue and let people become statistics.

   The shoves turned into full blown punches and kicks. After her twin girls were born he kept at it. She was to be a dutiful wife and obey his every command. All through this no one found out about her husband’s secret rage. His mean and spiteful attitude alienated her from her family. After her son was born he got devastating news. He had colon cancer and it was predicted that his life would be taken over by it. She stuck by him long after love turned into tolerance. The abuse kept on until a few months back when she thought enough is enough. He can control me no longer. Divorce is eminent. Even now as the papers and dealings are coming to a close his words echo in jealousy and rage, “You will never be rid of me. You think after the divorce you can do what you want? Think again because I will never let you go!”

    Our interview ended in loud silence. Her exasperation and fear shown clear in her face. “Am I doing the right thing?” Such a personal and complicated question. Many women in this position ask themselves this very question over and over. What is right and what is wrong? For us outsiders the answer is an absolute yes. The best thing to do is to cut this person out of your life forever. What if you feel you cannot? After all, even if you get a divorce, how does a piece of paper keep him away. What if you feel cornered and the law is not necessarily on your side? An animal that gets cornered attacks, how different are these victims’ reactions in the same situation.

    Nigerian writer Mercy Makinde shows what happens when women are pushed to the brink. Makinde starts her article with the words, ‘“Wife stabs husband!”’ and “’ Woman kills maid!”’ Suffice to say they are attention grabbing exclamations. The point she is trying to make is as clear as day. Death surrounds relationships more than ever today. Makinde is not making up these stories but taking them from recent news. It is unbelievable that this being 2016 we are still plagued with such a primitive problem. Our society has always been a patriarchal one(Makinde). Men are expected to protect women, to defend women, to provide for women, but what happens when men turn on women? From the beginning of time the women were assigned the role of caregiver and homemaker. Women care for everything at home and the man was expected to bring home the bread. This effectively gave the impression of a submissive role and deeply ingrained idea that men “own” women (Makinde). Don’t disagree yet. Think about it. This idea in our subconscious affects our every decision. It makes us judge people differently when women decide to not take their husbands last names. It makes us give the words “slut” and “player” a gender. Makinde was right in pointing this out. As with any war, you can only stand so much before you fight back. Women are turning on their abusive partners and like play write William Congreve once said: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned(The Mourning Bride). Acid, knives, poison are only a few of the weapons being used. Makinde is calling out the government in third world countries like Nigeria to help stop the massacre. Blood spilt and life taken is still life. As she so clearly puts it, “It is abundantly apparent that the society at large has contributed to its prevalence [domestic violence] and we all have a role and responsibility to curb it.” It is not enough to fight this problem at home but everywhere it is present. In the states the law is coming around and helping victims but a paper is only that. We the people have the real power in our hands: education. The way we educate these future generations has everything to do with the outcome and we best make the most of it for if we don’t we are only hurting ourselves.

   I do agree that not all domestic violence suits are as easy as black and white. Some can be unfair and done out of spite against their partner. Spouses looking to “teach a lesson” may heedlessly accuse each other of domestic violence to gain the upper hand on each other(Hession). Children are separated from their parents because of this however, we cannot condemn all of the domestic violence cases out there and label them all as trivial. We cannot punish the many for the mistakes of the few. Every case and family is different and deserves to be taken seriously. I agree that it is difficult to discern which cases are genuine and which are not, but we should listen without bias.

   American and Nigerian women have more in common than we think. Although in the U.S. there are numerous programs that help victims of domestic violence, women elsewhere do not have the luxury. What guarantees that a decision made by a judge will keep you safe? How do we know that things will not end in tragedy? Must we all be prepared to take arms if he decides to exact revenge? Does it really come down to him or me? What about the children? These questions are tough ones to answer simply. No one can say what a man gone wrong will do. We already know violence is their go to weapon and no manner of restriction can guarantee safety.

   Despite all this not all is lost. We as a society need to educate our children. Violence is not the answer to all problems. Our way of thinking and problem solving has to go beyond drawing blood as a solution. As the age old adage goes, which is more prominent nature or nurture, we need to teach the newer generations ways of coping with anger. There are ways to vent frustration that don’t hurt someone you love. As for equality between genders, women are still fighting that today. When we prove to the world that gender does not define or stop us from anything, only then will we have a chance to stop this violence. As for Lucy she is still fighting to gain back her freedom and when asked she states the chain stops with her. She will teach her children the power of knowledge and believing in oneself.

Works Cited

Hession, Gregory A. "Frivolous Domestic Violence Restraining Orders Hurt Children." Domestic Violence. Ed. Louise I. Gerdes. Detroit: Greenhaven Press, 2012. Opposing Viewpoints. Rpt. from "Restraining Orders Out of Control." New American 24.16 (4 Aug. 2008): 12. Opposing Viewpoints in Context. Web. 15 Mar. 2016.

Makinde, Mercy. "REASONS WHY DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS ON THE RISE – IaspireBlog." IaspireBlog. 05 Feb. 2016. Web. 15 Mar. 2016.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Statistics: NCADV. 1 January 2016. Website. 13 March 2016.

"Understanding Drug Abuse and Addiction." DrugFacts:. Federal Government, 1 Jan. 2012. Web. 15 Mar. 2016.

"Violence Against Women." Emotional Abuse. Federal Government, 1 Jan. 2015. Web. 13 Mar. 2016.

Yao, Regina, and Rashad Braithwaite. "The Pixel Project's "16 For 16" Campaign." The Pixel Projects 16 For 16 Campaign. 4 Dec. 2013. Web. 15 Mar. 2016.